Earlier
in the week we discussed whether or not you should hire a lawyer to represent
you in traffic court for your ticket. Now we are going to discuss regardless of
whether you hire a lawyer, how to testify in court.
Well,
we’re finally here. After the high drama of getting pulled over by the police
and getting a ticket, plus doing all that research to prove your case, you are finally
in court ready to defend yourself. After postponing your hearing date for as
long as you or your lawyer can, and hopefully past the 18-month mark that
points would have been taken off your license, you now are at the juncture that
you have no choice but to testify to your innocence at trial. Here’s a
checklist of things you should do at your hearing:
1.
DO NOT LIE:
Most importantly, and above all else, do not ever, ever, ever lie to a judge. If
you do not believe me, watch “Judge Judy” on TV. Judge Judith Sheindlin, is a real former judge who once sat on a real
bench in Family Court in New York City. The lady can tell you are about to lie
to her before you even open your mouth. I am a police officer, and I’d be
afraid of telling her a fib. Besides the fact that she is a judge, you can tell
by knowing little about her that she is also a mother. So she’s double
qualified to detect a lie! I often tell
people that there are three kinds of professional people in the world that are walking
human lie detectors. The three are
police officers, lawyers (especially judges because it is their business to
figure if you are telling the truth, and we often forget that they too are
lawyers), and therapists (meaning psychiatrists and psychologists). The only difference between the three is
that if a cop catches you in a lie he can arrest or ticket you. You’ve already
been through that. If a shrink catches you, he or she will not believe you, and
have you committed for mental evaluation. If a judge catches you in a lie, they
can either revoke your license and/or throw you in jail. Which of the three is
the worse? You are already in trouble by being in court. Don’t make things any
worse. If you don’t remember, say so. If it happened that way, then say so.
Don’t lie. You’ll create more work for the prosecutor charging you with PERJURY, you'll have more problems than you started with, and more importantly, you'll piss the judge off, and if you've watched Judge Judy, you'll know you never want to do anything like that!
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| PLEASE DO US ALL A BIG FAVOR: Whatever that is this gentleman is swaying, if you too have a pair of those, whether you need a jock or a bra, make sure you put some kind of support on and cover it up in court! |
2. DECORUM: I
hate to put it this way, and I mean it in a good way at the expense of avoiding
a heated political debate, but when going to court pretend that you are going as
a delegate, and not as a protester, to the Republican National Convention. If
you are Goth, Druid, an Anarchist, a 99 Percenter, a biker, a leather or surfer
dude or gal, a punk rocker, a skinhead, etc., or just so-not-a-Republican, get over this if you want a chance at
acquittal. If your identity is that important, I’m not telling you to ditch
your style. Just please, for your sake, tone
it down. In some parts of the
country, even in some big cities, going to court is no different than going to
church, and you have to respect that if you want people there to respect you. If
not dressed in a suit and tie, or a dress (gender appropriate please, unless legitimately
transgendered, and if so, then go as Judy or Barbra would and not Lady Gaga or
Cher, etc.), at least wear a collared shirt and dress pants, AND NO HAT.
You want a better chance of acquittal, especially if the courthouse is
in a small sleepy conservative town? Ditch the nose rings, eyebrow rings, lip
rings, nose plugs, the hole punch in your tongue, the hafada, aprodiva, guiche,
Prince Albert, protruding nipple rings, the beer cans in your ears, and the
crazy or provocative t-shirt. Now is not the time to be announcing whom you’ll
be voting for on Election Day, even if it is for Mitt Romney, or what you think
of any person place or thing, even if it is about Barack Obama. The irony is
that regardless of their politics, neither of these two gentlemen would take a
liking to anyone but a presentable, conservatively dressed person before them.
So it will also be with the judge!
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| If this gentleman ever has to make an appearance before a magistrate in a sleepy town there's a good chance he is going to face problems that start with his face. |
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This might be music to your ah, your ears, but unplug both the silicone and the iPod when you're inside court!
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Ah, ladies: if your looks, bust size, or charm didn’t work well enough
at roadside, the chances they might still work are severely diminished in
court. If there is any part of your skin that folds together to make a voluptuous
crease to accentuate your shapely body, make sure it is covered appropriately. Naturally
colored hair for both men and women would help. Unless you are sight-impaired,
ditch the sunglasses, and unless hearing impaired, ditch the earphones. Turn cell
phones OFF; it doesn’t help if you were caught texting or driving with your
handheld, to be caught all over again using it in court. They didn’t confiscate
it at roadside, but they can definitely take it from you now in court!
3. SPEAKING: Unless
it is your turn to talk, speak when spoken to. When asked a question, keep it
short if not “yes” or “no.” If you can’t remember, say, “I can’t recall.” Say
little as possible; don’t go off on tangents, and just the facts ma’am, please,
THANK YOU. Show respect and mean it, and
there’s a good chance you will be treated in kind. If you are appearing in court
that’s in a part of the country where you stand out by the color of your skin,
whether being black, white, purple or green, whether by genetics or by any
artificial ink that’s in your hair or skin, now is a perfect time to break down
barriers and prejudices, by setting the example of being the better human
being. Playing into stereotypes of either being black ghetto riff-raff or
country white trash is not going to help your case! In our post September 11th
era, we Americans live in a world that mostly hates us, to sadly not see
amongst ourselves how we truly need to learn to get along and love each other. They
say that ALL Americans are related to each other as 10th cousins. We
need to start seeing ourselves as a big American family. Let them be the bigot and not YOU. STAND UP when the judge is on his or her feet, as announced by the bailiff. The judge is addressed as “Your or His or Her Honor,” Judge “Last-Name” when addressing him/her for the first time, and then “ma’am” or “sir” after that. The entire world if not the English speaking one has become totally devoid of manners, and even though some do not like to be addressed as “ma’am” or “sir,” I believe both are the greatest courtesy titles you can bestow upon a fellow human being, especially when you are not sure how to address them, and it is better than being called something like “hey you” or “hey jackass” that people should appreciate when being addressed as “ma’am” or “sir.” That’s why you should also address the officer in such a manner as well. If the officer works for a state police service, start your address to him/her as “Trooper,” any sheriff’s office member as “Deputy” if not the Sheriff him/herself, and whenever in doubt as “Officer.” If you are familiar with military rank insignia on uniforms, you might get a better response if you address the officer/trooper/sheriff’s deputy by his/her rank. They are a supervisor; they earned it, and will be grateful it if you recognize it. If you are not sure, ask them, and then use it. He or she will be appreciative. Above all else, DON’T be a wise guy.
4. Don’t forget
to bring all of your evidence. Make sure it is relevant, factual, and convincing.
You don’t like your time being wasted. With a courtroom filled with other
motorists who think they too didn’t do anything wrong, the judge won’t like
his/her time being wasted either.
5. If you are not
good at questioning people, or at public speaking (if this is the case by now
you really should have considered hiring an attorney to represent you, which is
the biggest piece of advice I give), bring a list of questions with you to ask
the officer. Make sure the list has the points you need to state your case.
6. NEVER ACCUSE
THE OFFICR OF LYING. Even if the officer really, really did, you stating the
obvious will actually make things worse for you than for the officer. Let the
judge accuse him, NOT YOU. If the officer has experience just by judging by his
age, there is a good chance that he/she is no stranger to the judge. The
officer has built a reputation, most likely by testifying before the judge on
numerous occasions; your case will not be the first, and certainly won’t be the
last. If the judge is a good lie detector, believe me he or she will know when
the officer is lying, and with many previous cases, the judge will know if the
officer has the habit of lying. If it ever were a persistent problem, the judge
would have notified the proper authorities about the officer’s lying for action
to already be taken. You accusing an officer of lying most likely will demean
your testimony and credibility, make you look foolish, and places your
testimony in a situation of your words verses the officer’s. If that is going
to be your case, then you have already lost. If by chance the officer on that
rare occasion actually presented inaccurate or false testimony, the only way
you can prove it is through the evidence. If that is the case SHOW IT TO THE
JUDGE, never try to outright state it. Let the judge see it for him/herself.
That’s what they get paid for.
7. When the judge
has made his/her ruling and you disagree, SAY NOTHING, accept the verdict, and
walk away. I remember a speeding case where upon the verdict (guilty) I walked
away from the podium and heard the motorist utter something under his breath.
Apparently the judge heard it better and not me, and I never found out nor
asked anyone who worked in the court what it was that the motorist said.
Frankly, I didn’t need to know. Suffice to state the judge called the motorist
back to the podium by stating, “WHAT WAS THAT? WHAT DID YOU SAY? COME BACK
HERE!” The judge decided he wanted to amend the record and re-open the case. He
spoke into his microphone and went back on the record in the matter of the case
he just found guilty. He asked for the ticket back from the clerk, and the
motorist’s license from the motorist. Mr. Big Mouth hesitated. I turned to him
and stated, “you better do what the man tells you to do or otherwise you are in
for a much longer day here than you were expecting until now.” He acquiesced.
His license was suspended on the spot for a week, and probably had to hail a
cab to leave the court. Trust me, he was lucky. NO BACK TALK TO THE JUDGE.
That’s why there is such a thing called an appeal.
If you follow the above list you should be in good shape when you get to court. If you hired an attorney, do exactly what your lawyer tells you do, even if that means that he or she DOES NOT want you to testify. You are better served by listening to your counsel. Following this advice reminds me of what Abraham Lincoln once said about, “it is better for one to keep his mouth closed and be thought of as a fool, than to open and remove all doubt.” This is usually the real reason why attorneys do not usually want their clients to testify in court when they are the defendants. The above list will not guarantee an acquittal, but it will put you on the best footing possible to get there.
Related Reading:
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If you follow the above list you should be in good shape when you get to court. If you hired an attorney, do exactly what your lawyer tells you do, even if that means that he or she DOES NOT want you to testify. You are better served by listening to your counsel. Following this advice reminds me of what Abraham Lincoln once said about, “it is better for one to keep his mouth closed and be thought of as a fool, than to open and remove all doubt.” This is usually the real reason why attorneys do not usually want their clients to testify in court when they are the defendants. The above list will not guarantee an acquittal, but it will put you on the best footing possible to get there.
Related Reading:
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