DEAR SGT. AL: WHAT GOES ON INSIDE THOSE POLICE CARS?

What's that cop car doing way back there?

DEAR SERGEANT AL: I was wondering for the life of me: what’s going on inside a police car every time I pass one by that seems to be doing nothing on the side of the highway or at a turn-around at any given time of the day that causes people to panic and slow down? Are you guys really paying attention to your radar or are you doing some kind of work, on the phone, watching TV or sleeping while on duty? —COPS OFTEN PATROL WITH A TIME CAUSING HISTORICAL EXECUTION REPEATEDLY.

Is this the police car on the side of the road you are referring to?

DEAR COP WATCHER: If I gave you an answer unfortunately I would have to execute you, so it’s best for you to tend to your own business and leave such issues as what we do inside police cars to ourselves, thank you. I’m rolling up the crack in my window now. Drive on and drive carefully.

Sincerely,

SGT. AL

DEAR COP WATCHER (again): Just kidding. Don’t click to the next website yet. I’ll answer your question as honestly as I can, considering that you aren’t the only one who insists on being so nosey to rubberneck on by wondering what the police are doing. I just hope the day comes that when you are as nosey as you are now that when you ever see someone kicking my ass on the side of the road, that you do the right thing and at least call 911 if not get out of the car and give me a hand. While I’m sitting here telling you a story about what we cops do at the side of the road, how about getting me a cup of coffee (black and sweet) and a donut as I tell you a story? Yes I like donuts, preferably ones with holes in them, and I’m not a fat cop, so I have no shame in liking donuts. I’m a cop and that’s what I am, what I do and what I like, thank you. I’ll wait here until you come back.

Now that I have my coffee and donut, I’ll let you in on a story about my work. The short answer to your question is YES. Very much like you probably have an office or a cubicle at work in which you spend your entire day playing on your smart phone and getting paid for it, please remember that a police cruiser is our mobile office for the entire 8-10 hour shift we work on patrol on any given day.  Remember that the core of our work is waiting around doing nothing until something happens. Over the course of the tour (that’s what we call our shift) during the day, week, or month, we often have to respond to radio runs (911 calls) either on the highway or in town that usually keeps us busy. But sometimes it’s usually on those early bright quiet Saturday or Sunday mornings that you often find us sitting quietly on either side of the road doing nothing, staring into blank empty space. This is where you probably wonder what we are doing and what we are thinking.

It can be very lonely out there. Humans are social animals that we need order, structure, and interaction to keep our sanity. This is why we as a society have hierarchy, laws, rules, ranks, orders, traditions, customs, responsibilities, social classes, families, groups, and friends. When we are alone we crave for contact. This is why it is unhealthy for us to be in solitary confinement. This is why if we were left alone we would eventually die sooner. This is why I often tell people do not be surprised if you find yourself being pulled over by a lonely state trooper for something you swore you didn’t do, to find yourself let go without a ticket or even a warning for that matter. Sometimes an officer needs social interaction. Sometimes a police officer needs to reach out to the public to see if they need help even though the public may not be asking for any at the moment. I have often heard stories about colleagues who have met people ranging from sexual encounters to people who became their girlfriends/boyfriends if not spouses, from an on the side of the road car stop encounter. We meet people in the strangest places often under the most unusual of circumstances.

When an officer is on the side of the road he/she might be doing a variety of things. If not doing paperwork, they might be on their cell phone at all different hours talking to their squeeze, be it their wife, husband, girl, or their man. If they are on a fixed post (they can’t go anywhere else and they have to be relieved face-to-face by another officer), they might bring their laptop and do school work, watch movies, and just surf the Internet to read senseless crap like you’re reading now (smile). And once in a while, yes, depending on the time of day and how many hours worked previously, the cop might be nodding off to sleep as he/she might be very tired from working overtime at the moment, the previous day, or from his/her side job because he/she is not earning a livable working wage and needs a side job to feed their kids and keep a roof over their head.  We wear a uniform to sometimes look like a robot, but we are very much humans like you are.

Hmm, what's that cop doing in there?

Well, the cat is out of the bag! Don’t kill the messenger for honestly answering your question. All you need to be concerned about is that moment on the side of the road where I am actually paying attention to my radar to check your speeding and pull you over! Be on the lookout when I do! Safe driving!