DEAR SGT. AL: CAUGHT SEXTING AND DRIVING!

DEAR SERGEANT AL:  I got a ticket for texting and driving last week. I gotta admit the cop caught me red handed. By chance is there any kind of defense I can use? —THE EXTRA XTRAORDINARY TEXTING EVEN REDUCED MY INSURANCE ANNUALLY.

DEAR TEXTER MIA: You dummy you. Yeah, there’s a defense you can use for texting and driving all right, and it’s called the jackass defense! In most states it’s an affirmative defense in the criminal procedure law that actually expedites and guarantees conviction! Congratulations on getting a fine! I hope your penalty is swift and your insurance surcharge on your insurance policy renewal in six or twelve months is quick and painful! How many points did you lose? Are you going to be suspended? Boy am I going to be glad you’ll be off the road for a while if you are! This way, I won’t have to worry about you weaving all over the place as you’re looking to get laid by telling your girlfriend on your keyboard how hot and sexy she is while you’re creating mayhem amongst us with your sloppy driving! May you go blind from your phone and from anything else you might be holding as you're watching porn while driving as well. In fact I hope whatever it is you're holding while driving falls out of your hand and breaks! Gee, it’s really going to make you look real cool as you pull up to the restaurant in a bus to meet your date because you can’t drive anymore! Better yet, why don't you make yourself feel like the big man you are right now and have her come pick you up in her car? I bet that will make you feel real small, especially in places where it really counts, won't it?  I hope you still live at home so your parents can take your car away from you, hopefully your cell phone too! You're grounded little man: one month!

Look, seriously, this is as hard as I’m going to get on you for texting and driving, as there is no excuse for it, not even to text the police for an emergency even if there is such a thing that exists yet (actually that’s coming soon in some places as you will be able to send the police MMS pictures).  Chalk it up to a lesson in your history book, learn from it, and move forward. Know this: in some states it is illegal to text and drive while the car is in motion. This means that if you are at a red light or stopped in heavy traffic, there might be some leeway to pull out the phone and type a quick line, but other states even forbid you from doing that as well. EITHER WAY, IT’S STILL NOT COOL: Some states have very specific and some have no provisions when it comes to distracted driving laws. But make no mistake: texting and driving laws are about to sweep the country and change very soon to address these problems. AND NO I’M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU WHICH STATES ALLOW THIS AND WHICH DON’T (look this up yourself), suffice to say, that even though at times I confess to doing this at a traffic light once in a while, it’s still a bad practice and example, and we really should be paying attention to the road and not text and drive at all. Period.

This is all I have to say about texting and driving, TEXTER MIA. Enjoy some of my favorite videos on the Net about texting and driving. Unless there is something unusual or unique about this phenomenon, please don’t ask me about it again, as it is dangerous now, and will be no more dangerous in the future. Your issuing officer beat me to it with a CITATION, but I’ll be looking out for you on the road to see if you’re going to be a frequent flying texter. Good luck!

This one might be a little off color: WARNING